Friday, November 03, 2006

I'd like to share with you all a trip that I have planned and which I'll be taking very soon.

Please direct your attention to the map I took several hours to complete:


I'll be leaving from LA and going to













Stop 1: New York City. I'll only be here for a short time. My damn frequent flyer program is forcing me to fly from LA to NYC to go back to




Hong Kong
. Yeah, sucks, but the ticket is free. . . don't act like you haven't done stupid things when the word "Free," or, for those of you international visitors, "Complimentary" was involved.

Did you know? Broadway's Original Name was the Wiechquaekeck Trail. It was an old Algonquin trade route. Hmmm. . . interesting, yet completely useless as information goes.

On to the second stop. . .



Stop 2: The aforementioned Hong Kong. Again, I’ll be here for a short time, but to be honest I really have no desire to stay in Hong Kong that long. I feel it’s one of those cities I can pretty much burn through with the same zeal and force of will exhibited by one of it’s most famous son’s—Bruce Lee. On a personal note, my hotel here kicks ass. Thank you Priceline®.


Did you know? A port city, Hong Kong gets its name from the Cantonese word for "fragrant harbor." The island was ceded to the British after the Opium Wars in 1841, but was finally restored to Chinese custody in 1997. Despite apprehensions regarding reunification, the transition of authority has gone largely without incident. Hong Kong's multi-ethnic history makes it one of the most vibrant cultural and financial centers in the world. I did not know it meant Fragrant Harbor, somehow I always thought it was something much more lewd. . .

So from here I’m getting on a plane (as opposed to walking [it’s not always easy to come up with transitions so stop judging]) and making my way to the Jewel of the Arabian Peninsula—Dubai.






















Stop 3: Dubai is the bustling economic capital of the United Arab Emirates, which has its political capital in Abu Dhabi. I’m planning on doing some diving here and smokin’ some great Shisha (Hookah as the kids like to call it). The hotels here are expensive, like I wish I could skip Dubai or sleep in the airport expensive, but hey you gotta do what you gotta do.

Did you know? There are no street addresses in Dubai. And yet the people literally shit money. . . Sometimes I feel like God hates me.

After spending my life savings on a one star hotel in Dubai, I’m going to Sharm-el-Sheikh in Egypt. I’ll be happy to get a hot meal, and, possibly—keep your fingers crossed—access to clean water on the airplane because apparently my hotel doesn’t have any actual “Showers.”



















Stop 4: Sharm-el-Sheikh is one of the preeminent dive sites in the world. People travel to this city from all over the world to dive and party like its 1420 (1999 in the Islamic Calendar). So I’ll do some diving here, but I don’t know how much partying I’ll be doing at this beach resort, since, apparently, the average temperature in December is well into the 60’s. Yeah, got screwed a little on that one, but don’t worry your pretty little hearts, I got a couple of aces up my sleeves.


Did you know? Visitors to Sharm-el-Sheikh in the summer are well advised to apply liberal amounts of sunscreen and keep well hydrated. Can you ever have enough sunscreen or hydration? I think not!


After Sharm (as we call it) I will return to Cairo. . .


Stop 5: Ahhhhh. . . Cairo, land of the Pyramids and, apparently, violent diarrhea—seriously read the online forums. I’m going to check out the bazaars, the mosques, the museums, and the Pyramids, obviously, but I also want to try and get in some horseback riding and maybe check out an oasis or two, but we’ll see what time permits, as I don’t plan on staying in Cairo too long.

Did you know? Cairo is Africa’s most populous city and the center of Arab culture. Most populous city in Africa. . . huh, they don’t mention that in the travel brochure.



From Cairo, my trip really starts. Everything from here on is, in my humble opinion, WICKED AWESOME!!!!


Stop 6: After a brief layover in Dubai (I’ll be staying in the airport this time), I’m off to the Maldives, an Island Archipelago off the southern coast of India, close to the equator. (I told you it gets Wicked Awesome). I’m planning on staying here for nine days in a water villa (I’m sleeping in a hut over the water), which will be awesome, in a wicked way, unless there’s a Tsunami, in which case, I’m hoping my dive equipment, cat-like reflexes, and innate resourcefulness can bail me out. Otherwise, please start a scholarship for orphan strippers in my name. (A man’s gotta have dreams).



Did you know? Maldives is the world's flattest country (no offense to the fine female citizens of the Maldives), with no natural land higher than 2.4m (7.9ft) above sea level.


After tanning to a golden black, I’m taking off (again on a plane) to Thailand.



















Stop 7: Upon arrival in Thailand, I’m departing immediately for Krabi, a beautiful beach city in the southwest of Thailand. This is where they filmed the movie the Beach with Leonardo DiCaprio. (Never saw the movie, but apparently the beach is amazing). I’ll do more diving here and continue to work on my tan and, hopefully (keep your fingers crossed) succeed in transforming my skin into leather.

Did you know? Krabi, in southern Thailand, has the distinction of being the country's oldest continually inhabited settlement, while Thailand, itself, has the distinction of being the only Southeast Asian country that was never colonized. Did anyone see the King and I? Did that take place in Thailand, or was it in Burma, or Malaysia, or Siam, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.


I’ll leave Krabi and go back to Bangkok (amazingly appropriately named) and spend two days exploring here.

Stop 8: All I can say has already been said by Head Murray:

THE AMERICAN:
Bangkok, Oriental setting
And the city don't know that the city is getting
The creme de la creme of the chess world in a
Show with everything but Yul Brynner

Time flies - doesn't seem a minute
Since the Tirolean spa had the chess boys in it
All change - don't you know that when you
Play at this level there's no ordinary venue

It's Iceland... or the Philippines... or Hastings... or... or this place!

COMPANY:
One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you're lucky then the god's a she
I can feel an angel sliding up to me


THE AMERICAN:
One town's very like another
When your head's down over your pieces, brother

COMPANY:
It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To be looking at the board, not looking at the city

THE AMERICAN:
Whaddya mean? Ya seen one crowded, polluted, stinking town...

COMPANY:
Tea, girls, warm, sweet, sweet
Some are set up in the Somerset Maugham suite







THE AMERICAN:
Get Thai'd! You're talking to a tourist
Whose every move's among the purest
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine

COMPANY:
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

THE AMERICAN:
Siam's gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of cerebral fitness
This grips me more than would a
Muddy old river or reclining Buddha

And thank God I'm only watching the game, controlling it

I don't see you guys rating
The kind of mate I'm contemplating
I'd let you watch, I would invite you
But the queens we use would not excite you

So you better go back to your bars, your temples, your massage parlours

COMPANY:
One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
A little flesh, a little history
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

Did you know? Bangkok is sinking at the alarming rate of 2 inches per year. Wow, soon you’ll have to go elsewhere to see a woman shoot ping pong balls from her vagina. I’m not sure it will be the same—c’est la vie.


Almost home now, from here I go to Tokyo for New Years Eve.



Stop 9: Tokyo is apparently one of the best cities in the world to be on New Years Eve. I’m not sure how or why this is the case, but I’m hoping my well tanned skin will keep me warm during the Japanese winter. I’m planning on seeing the sites and making excursions out to the country. Perhaps I’ll find that place where Tom Cruise “shanked” Ken Watanabe in the Last Samurai. I’m hoping to check out the night life and find some great electronics that the rest of the world won’t see for 20 years.

Did you know? The Greater Tokyo area has a population of over 33 million; making one of the most densely populated urban areas in the world. My back muscles will be ripped from all the bowing I’ll have to do. . .

Ah, the trip is over. . . almost.

Stop 10: Honolulu Hawaii. I have a two day layover here, so basically I’m going to dive and continue to perfect my tan. For those of you who know me (mom), I’m hoping that my skin will be permanently changed into some sort of hide material that will protect me from the impending nuclear holocaust the worlds brilliant politicians seem bent on driving us to.



Did you know? Pearl Harbor is today one of the most frequently visited tourist attractions in Hawaii. Interestingly, Pearl Harbor has as many visitors from Japan as it does from the United States. Wow, mortal enemies one day, best friends the next. . . Truly Jimmie Hendrix was right to ask: “War, huh, what is it good for. . .”


I’ll be back in Los Angeles after this last stop. Time to get back to work and payoff my hotel room in Dubai.

I’ll keep writing during the trip (hopefully) and even post some pictures. My plan is to post a picture of the progression of my tan from day one to the last day of my trip.

Until later, remember. . .

The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.

~ Saint Augustine

posted by RezB @ 2:30 PM

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